“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
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*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour