Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
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My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.