Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
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My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I thought this was funny lol
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
this is how life feels
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
me, after any kind of buffet.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶