Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
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Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Good morning.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.