Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
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[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Lmao
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Has there ever been a more American story?
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
My dream job is getting paid to dream
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.