I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Ferrari squats
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it