Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
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They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
A drum solo but on your face.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Rambo Rambow
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?