the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
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I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
everyone has that one prude friend
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I would like even faster food.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
This has made my week.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.