Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
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Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”