[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
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When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.