me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
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Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
A drum solo but on your face.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late