6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
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When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
ACED my prostate exam!
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
“just sayin” who asked you though?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.