I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
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My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Yup
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet