best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
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Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Brother?
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”