*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
You Might Also Like
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
When they try to steal your moment.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.