4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
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I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!