I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
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My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.