Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
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Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Worth a try
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Stonehinge
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok