In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
You Might Also Like
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Has there ever been a more American story?
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.