If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
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Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
guilty
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.