[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
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°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?