I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
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I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I can’t deal with men any longer
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits