I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
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“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.