Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
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A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Pickled cat.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.