We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
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[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact