Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
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even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
My time has come.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Facebook memories be like
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face