Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
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You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Sunday
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair