Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
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“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I have no passwords left in me
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”