Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
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[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
That lamp looks PISSED.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Weighing up my bread heating options
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Who called it baking and not making love
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog