my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
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[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Dishonest mechanic?
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
😬
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.