One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
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When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊