[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
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[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.