I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
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The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
“What movie?” 🤔