Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
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What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.