The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
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“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.