do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
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pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Happy Taco Tuesday
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
that lip filler tho
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-