*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
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John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
oh shit
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.