Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
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“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Ape together strong
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.