If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
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*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I might carry a baby with one hand.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd