Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
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Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.