[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
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Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.