A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
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Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
DOOO EEEET
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.