DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
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“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Autocarrot sucks!
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware