I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
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Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
i now pronounce you bounced.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.