Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
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Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer