just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
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Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Traveler’s camo
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.