She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
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I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Am I having a stroke?
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.