I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
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I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.