Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
You Might Also Like
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Oh the world we live in…
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
monday
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.