Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
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Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
we all know this pain all too well
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then